Forget ISIS, hurricanes or Russian hackers, the greatest threat facing our nation today is creepy clowns. Across the country, people are reporting guys dressed up as scary clowns (yes, I realize that is being redundant, as all clowns are scary and creepy) stalking neighborhoods. Some clowns are trying to lure children into the woods with offers of money. Some clowns are peering into people’s windows. Some carry weapons, some are covered in fake blood. Nobody seems to know exactly why creepy clowns are the hot thing right now–but I do know how to put an end to it: justify the killing of said clowns as an act of self-defense.
If we are allowed to shoot wild animals in our backyards out of fear they may attack us. If elderly women can gun down people trying to break into their homes. If police officers are allowed to assume that all black males are armed and looking to kill them–then the rest of us should be able to kill any clown that scares us.
I can pretty much guarantee that it will take just one justified clown killing to put an end to this national trend. It doesn’t matter what perverse pleasure you derive from dressing up in a jumper, putting on Kabuki makeup and donning a rainbow-color wig, once you find out that it is open season on you–those urges will likely go away. Might I consider learning how to play average guitar and join a KISS cover band instead (that will certainly give you a better chance of scoring with the ladies as well)?
There is no greater justification for clownicide than former serial killer John Wayne Gacy.
Before killing dozens of young men and keeping their bodies in the crawl space under his house, Gacy worked part-time as “Pogo the Clown”–terrorizing children at fundraisers and birthday parties. There is no proof that Gacy donned his makeup and jumper during the murders of his victims–but you really can’t put that outside the realm of possibility. Just imagine how many lives could have been saved if a fearful adult who spotted “Pogo” had been allowed to take him down before he acted on his homicidal desires.
So the time has come for America to take matters into it’s own hands. If you see a creepy clown–or any clown for that matter–in your neighborhood don’t drive away from the suspect. Instead, head directly at them–at a high rate of speed–and run them down like a rabid dog in the road. Then back up and run over them again–just to make sure they are really dead. THEN call police and tell them that you spotted the evil creature and feared for your life. Believe me, a jury of your peers won’t even have to go into deliberations before they acquit you.
